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General => General Discussion => Topic started by: blue on December 12, 2012, 05:34:22 PM
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Does any one have step kits that are over 20 and just to lazy to get off there ass and get a job.and expexctstep dad and mom to pay his bills.
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my step son is like that but only 17
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...my oldest girl is 19...works every day...has own apartment....
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my step son is like that but only 17
its hard to make team learn that some day they need to get a job and take care of theam self because mom and step dad cant do it for ever. I had my frist job at 15 and put my self threw school and had my frist apartment at 16 because my parents fight all the time so I got out young. Im the only one out of six kids that stayed out after leaving the nest. the other always came back to mom and dad for help.
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...my oldest girl is 19...works every day...has own apartment....
Thats good be happy for her and show her some love........
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My boys only 15 amd i think im lucky cos so far hes ok, apart from spending every waking hour on his computer. I was a nightmare as a teen so if the worst mine does is play computer games i can live with that.
Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind Blue, why you and the wife stop helping him out and if he wants cash tell him you'll pay him for chores around the house and yard? He might decide its better getting a proper job just to get away from all the chores :D
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My boys only 15 amd i think im lucky cos so far hes ok, apart from spending every waking hour on his computer. I was a nightmare as a teen so if the worst mine does is play computer games i can live with that.
Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind Blue, why you and the wife stop helping him out and if he wants cash tell him you'll pay him for chores around the house and yard? He might decide its better getting a proper job just to get away from all the chores :D
ha ha geting him to do anything is a pain. See he has add hd and if you piss him off he is a dangrest person he well brake things and throw nasty fits. And mom always says let him go and dont let him get mad. it gets so people are afrade of him.
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...thatsa tough situation. blue...you say he's over 20..
...comes a time bro, that you gotta cut the cord...
..i don't mean turn your back on him, but just stop the fringe benefits...
..i know this might sound extreme, but if you feel threatened, then maybe you guys should put him out...
..he's nearly 21...an adult, by all statutes and regulations...if he hasnt shown any self-motivation by now, chances are it's going to require extreme measures to "wake him up"
.. you're not helping him by continuing to provide and bend to his tantrums....
..by now, he feels that there's no need to make an effort as long as he can pitch a fit and get what he wants
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...after re-reading all this, and what i just posted, blue...i dunno...
..this sounds like something that has been going on for a llonnng time..
..maybe some professional guidance might help ya'll work it thru...
..but getting junior to even see that might be a problem...
............
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Blue,
What you describe is an extremely dangerous situation and can put you and your wife in possible scenarios that could impact your safety. Sit down and talk to this young man and present boundaries that you and your spouse are willing to accept. The next time, and I mean the very next time this young punk with an antisocial personality disorder goes off call the police and get a restraining order. I know this sounds extreme but I have seen situations where parents are injured and even killed. The ADD diagnosis does not give him permission to destroy your homelife.
Mike
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I know this sounds extreme but I have seen situations where parents are injured and even killed. The ADD diagnosis does not give him permission to destroy your homelife.
...that is what i really wanted to say......
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Blue,
Set limits and expectations. If he doesn't meet them, he needs to leave. If he threatens you, call the police. Once he knows you are serious, he will begin to change or leave. Don't expect him to like the changes - he won't and will react strongly in an effort to make you give up. Make sure your wife is on board with this before you do this and present it as a united front. Also I would be concerned about substance use (based on his behaviors), especially if he has ADHD - very high co-morbidity rate with this. If nothing else, if he is on Adderall or Ritalin, he may be abusing this.
I know this sounds harsh, but he has no motivation to change as what he is doing now is working for him. Unless you want him still living at home and doing nothing at age 30, you need to start insisting on some changes. They don't have to be radical, but he needs to at least start looking for a job and helping out at home. Offer him the opportunity to go to college or tech school and let him stay at home as long as he is in school - you decide what you can tolerate, but don't let him dictate the terms.
Also don't pay his bills. I assume these are car payments, insurance etc. If he wants these, then he needs to pay himself. This will hit home when he no longer can do these things. In fact, consider asking him to pay some nominal rent.
I am a counselor and this is what I would recommend if you came to see me. By the way, my stepdaughter is 22 and now lives on her own and has a good job. She finished college at age 20. We started talking to her at 16 that the expectation would be that when she graduated from high school, she would need to go to college or find a job in order to continue living at home. She was also told that if she found a job, she would be expected to contribute to the household. If she went to college, we would support her as long as her grades were good. When she graduated and found a job, we expected her to pay her own bills and contribute to the household with chores and rent. She decided she didn't like this after about a year and recently moved out and is doing well. And she still loves us both.
Not meaning to preach...hope you don't take it that way.....and Good Luck!!
Bill Emerson LCDP
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..well put Bill...
..blue, this man laid it out from a prefessional standpoint..
..it is indeed time for a change...
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Thanks for all your help I just have no were to go.Me and my wife dont see eye and eye to the way he is.
we tryed kicking him out and he stayed with friends but they cant put up with his ways eather.and everytime he gets kicked out his mom lets him come back here. This time when he came back she let him bring his girl friend with him and a babby thats not his and he has a babby by another girl but yet not sure if its his. they help by her have food stapes and gov. funds But in my way of liveing I dont like it. the food they help us with dont pay the bill. mom well pay his phone bill and give him gas money. In my eyes he should be on his own or pay your own bills. everytime me and my wife fight over him. She brings up my kids. I have 2 great kids that have been working sense 15 in some way to buy what they want. I payed rent and gave my kids a place to live. When I got divorced from my frist wife. and that what she throws in my face that I payed my kids rent. My kids both worked and payed there own bill so I did not mine paying the rent tell they moved out.But it was me that moved my kids took over the rent and I moved in with the women and her kid. and then married her.at frist it was ok things were great but now its the kid tearing us apart.
Im just so mixed up its tearing me apart. I have had the police called on him a few times and he has been in jail. his mom is over protective of him. from the prefessional standpoint. he has had help with dr. but he stop going on his own and dont wana take meds.
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All I wana do is jump on scoot and ride the hell away. But I know thats not a good thing to do........
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...run, my brother, run...
..get th fuk out!!....
..not saying "run away"...it's a matter of perspective....
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I'm 25 and livin at home but guess what... I work and I go to school and I volunteered to pay part of the bills. I figure I need to build credit now anyway.
I have a friend who is just like what blue describes. I'm starting to drift away from him because of it. He never knew his dad so his mom let him get away with sh** his entire life. He just had a kid with this poor girl, won't get a job, and won't go to school. As much as I encourage him to go to school he's just too lazy I guess. He has anger issues and throws temper tantrums over stupid things. He had the nerve to get mad at me when he broke my windshield and I got upset about it. You broke my f***in windshield, I'm allowed to be upset. He got in my face and I laid his ass out. I'm 6'2 and 270 lbs., don't get in my face. He's had jobs but never holds one for more than 6 months. He sits at home smoking weed and watching tv. Don't get me wrong I used to smoke all day everyday, but damn I had to grow up a little. I don't see anything wrong with smokin a joint here and there but there's more to life than sitting around taking bong hits all day. My problem is I have no self control. If I start smokin weed again I'll be takin bong rips first thing every morning. I did it for years.
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I'm 25 and livin at home but guess what... I work and I go to school and I volunteered to pay part of the bills. I figure I need to build credit now anyway.
I have a friend who is just like what blue describes. I'm starting to drift away from him because of it. He never knew his dad so his mom let him get away with sh** his entire life. He just had a kid with this poor girl, won't get a job, and won't go to school. As much as I encourage him to go to school he's just too lazy I guess. He has anger issues and throws temper tantrums over stupid things. He had the nerve to get mad at me when he broke my windshield and I got upset about it. You broke my f***in windshield, I'm allowed to be upset. He got in my face and I laid his ass out. I'm 6'2 and 270 lbs., don't get in my face. He's had jobs but never holds one for more than 6 months. He sits at home smoking weed and watching tv. Don't get me wrong I used to smoke all day everyday, but damn I had to grow up a little. I don't see anything wrong with smokin a joint here and there but there's more to life than sitting around taking bong hits all day. My problem is I have no self control. If I start smokin weed again I'll be takin bong rips first thing every morning. I did it for years.
sounds like your a good man keep up the good work.thats aonother story with this kid his real dad gave up on him so thats when I came in to his live and gave him things bought him a truck and gave him extra cash when he was good and helped out around the house.But know its just time to grow up.
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But know its just time to grow up.
Yep!
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+1
..or run!!!
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+1
..or run!!!
Got room for rent wordslinger.
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..you can pretty much scoot year-round in th piedmont of NC, bro...
..we got jobs here too...
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Tough love brother, tough love is what it will take. But until momma's on board, nothing is gonna change. I feel for ya Blue.
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Does any one have step kits that are over 20 and just to lazy to get off there ass and get a job.and expexctstep dad and mom to pay his bills.
Well, in Italy, majority of people over 35, even 40, still live with their parents, because low salaries and high real estate prices do not permit them to start their own families. There were even court rulings that parents HAVE TO cover expenses of their adult children, and children suing their parents for financial support!
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Well, in Italy, majority of people over 35, even 40, still live with their parents, because low salaries and high real estate prices do not permit them to start their own families. There were even court rulings that parents HAVE TO cover expenses of their adult children, and children suing their parents for financial support!
that sounds like my younger brother hes 43 and stell haveing kids and lives with mom yet. And he dont work.
he lives off the Gov. I beleave if someone is able to work they should not live off the Gov.
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Its all been said Blue, hes acting like a dick ADHD or not. As long as you and the wife are paying his bills and giving him cash for gas etc he wont ever change. I would at least stop paying his way and let him pay for his own sh**. You give him a roof over his head and free food and heat etc so he has it ok, if he wants to run a car and have a phone etc then he has to be earning to pay for it. If he dontcwant a job then he wont have all the cool things he wants. Let him shout or moan all he likes, just stay calm, dont let it rattle you and walk away if it gets too much until he cools down. Explain theres a recession on and money is tight so you cant be paying all his stuff anymore cos you got no spare cash. If he still wont buck up then thats up to him but i imagine he likes his car, phone and comforts so wont want to lose them.
He so needs to take the meds if he was prescribed them and stop being threatening. Like you said tho, if the wife gives in all the time it wont work, she has to buck up too and see how he is. Unless she wants to lose you, which could happen if he keeps driving you 2 apart, then where would he be with no Blue money coming in?
Good luck Blue.
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Thanks for all the help guys. I Just whish my wife would see things my way. Dont think she ever well...
man and wife should stick together on everything in the house. and kids........
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..i agree blue, and there is some really good advice in this post..
..think now, of where this whole situation is going to be in, saayy 10 years...
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Thanks for all the help guys. I Just whish my wife would see things my way. Dont think she ever well...
man and wife should stick together on everything in the house. and kids........
Every fa,ily has one or two so don't feel like your alone in this. If your wife won't back you that's part of the problem, he knows she is the soft one and plays on that. I'll tell you what my brother did with his kid when he found himself in a spot much like you.
First you need to be ready to lose your wife or know just how far she's willing to be pushed, once you think you know this you can take as much action as you feel comfortable with, but be ready for a fight. Also you need to know if this "son" will try and inflict harm to you once you take action, people that take drugs are dangerous (not saying he is taking).
You go into his room while he's out and remove every item you or your wife paid for, bed, matterss, furniture, clothes, light bulb, turn the heat off and remove the knob, remove the door to his room if there's one in place etc. Leave the mirror if there's one there so he can see how stupid and poor he looks. If he breaks anything keep a running bill for him to repay.
When he starts meeting your demands you can allow him to "RENT" back anything you took away, this way you can again remove it if needed.
Tell him, if he gets a job the mattess goes back on the floor, when he pays you an agreed amount of rent he gets other things back. If your wife goes aginst you publicly let her know to never ever go against you in public again, you need to be strong and may have to explain to her why it's important, she should understand. Reverse the situation on her and the light bulb usually lights up.
If she gives you too much greif over it leave and don't come back until the demands are met.
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..more good stuff blue...
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This is my take on this situation.........ONLY.. because I have been there, done that. I am not going to type everything I went through with my son, but....... He was diagnoses with all the fun stuff...ADHD, ADD, ODD and was a complete horror for about 12 years. I sought help from every avenue I could think of. Wound up placing him in a facility that had severe restrictions and a padded room. Little man had a melt down he wound up in the "calm down" room with the door locked. He learned to control his anger and do more talking than throwing things.
It took a couple years, after he returned home, to adjust to the rules of the house. There was plenty of times he went to bed angry, but he has thanked me many times for , as he puts it now, being a hardass. I did not expect him to conquer the world by any means, but he was/is expected to obey the rules and be respectful of others' stuff.
My son is now 24, on his own, with a job (he has been fired more than once) but has come to realize it is up to him to put food on his table. He calls me if he desperately needs something....and we help him only if he can tell me what he needs to do to avoid the situation again. So far, knock on wood.....we have only had to pay his phone bill 1 time.
When he lived with me, he tried to run the roost......and yes he did buck the system.
I sat his butt down and 'splained a few things and made sure he understood the other options (homelessness, jail or psych ward).
I cried the first time the po po hauled him off in cuffs (he had a tantrum and was throwing things). The cops sat him in a holding cell for about 3 hours, to get out the cop requested that he write down what he did wrong and how HE was going to fix it.
My situation was different, I didn't have the other "parent" undermining my authority. I believe to get anywhere with the step son you and your wife are going to have to be on the same page. Unfortunately, that may never happen. She needs to understand that an adult "child" will NOT live productively if allowed to make mom and dad so afraid to upset them, they live on eggshells.
Blue, you may have to ask yourself the tough question................Am I better off with, or without them..........and take it from there.
Good Luck with your situation.
Carol
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My son, I should add, is currently living with a friend. He realizes that living with mom and step dad is not in his future. He called me today to let me know how his job is going and what his plans are for the rest of this month and in the new year.
He tries to guilt me into buying him things like a computer, tv etc. etc... and I calmly remind him that I provided these things when he moved into his first apartment. He sold or gave away most of the stuff, and seems to understand that the ATM at mom's house is now out of order. And it is going to stay that way. He is in my will...... ;)
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Very well said carol thanks. I know its up to me to decide what to do. But its not easy to not only brake my wifes heart but mine to becuse of a kid. walking on egg shells day after day is not good for the heart eather and my health.
the last month I have been in the er. because of him its that bad the stress alone is killing me. THe hard part is I dont understand is why his mom backs him up and gives in to him. I understand a child well always be your child but there is a time to cut the strings.maybe its the mom that needs the help and a dr.to tell her what to do.
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http://www.thehulltruth.com/dockside-chat/471846-new-humanoid-species.html (http://www.thehulltruth.com/dockside-chat/471846-new-humanoid-species.html)
Blue if you've been in the hospital over this it is certainly time to take some much needed action, I think you are 100% correct when you say it's the Mom that needs the help, she enables him and as long as she does he will use that crutch.
I wish I could help in some other way but you need to be ready to help yourself, posting here is the first step (though I'm sure you've taken many others privatly), I'd talk with the Mrs. see a doctor or theripist (spelling) and move forward from there. At some point you may need to cut ties until the ship rights itself. We can't kill ourselves over someone else's short comings. It may be that your wofe wants to hold on to her child or wants/needs a baby, would a lap cat/dog help?
My heart goes out to you, I hope you find the path you need soon.
08
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Therapy works blue if you can get some that involves the 3 of you all together. I was always against this kinda thng cos it all looked like a load of old wishy washy crap just talking it out, used to say stuff like "that solve the problem", or "what a load of crap", but ive seen it work with folk i know who were just about to divorce over issues they had. 2 months later the same couple are like a pair of newlyweds and never argue much at all now. Once they all laid out their cards on the table they could see how the way they acted and spoke to each other was wrong and they learned better ways to deal with things. They now talk things out instead of shouting things out. Might be worth it, but you all need to be in on it and all have to try.
Hope you all sort it out and can at least get thro xmas hols with some peace at home. That'd be a start at least.
Can you not take him out hunting or fishing and try have a man to man talk with him when hes in a good mood?
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[Can you not take him out hunting or fishing and try have a man to man talk with him when hes in a good mood?
[/quote]
Put a gun in his hands ooooooooooo Hell no. But yes I have had him out hunting beleave it or not but right now the law says he cant have one. WE had a boat and I had to get rid of it because all he wanted to do is pull it around with his truck to load trash in and have it with him all the time just to show off. I have to becarfull On what I have around here because he might destroy it. No is a word this kid dont know.I have to keep my tools and other stuff under lock and key. I beleave in liveing in a family were I can leave things be and it well be safe at all times.fishing we do stell some times but from the shore. Realy wish I could have a boat again. at this point in his live he dont have much friends because of his anger cant keep it under control. I see his girl friend finly wakeing up and walking off on him so her and her babby can be safe. And trying to talk to him is a waste of time I tryed many of times all he does is say yes I know yes I know. And he takes no actions to better him self. When I do do things with him IM treaded like sh** when its over so why keep trying.
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Drop him of in front of the Marine recruiting office. Tell him to walk in or walk home with a solid future plan in hand and execute it.
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Sorry to hear that Blue...but it takes two to tango... a lot of problems are solved by talking and understanding what others do and have to say.... Other families may have similar situations but handle things differently because of different behaviors, different characters, cultures, etc., so be careful in taking our suggestions. You are the one who knows the personality of your wife and step kid, so it's you who perfectly know how to approach them. You have to act and not react and whatever you do or decide, you stand up to it and not regret it.
I have a jobless 34 year old brother-in-law in our house but I feel he's an asset because he helps in handywork, carpentry, assists me in fixing anything, does errands, guards the house when we all go shopping or out of town trips, feeds the dog, etc. He eats a lot, but that's ok... He is also my drinking partner...sometimes... and we talk... a lot...
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..semper fi...
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I have a jobless 34 year old brother-in-law in our house but I feel he's an asset because he helps in handywork, carpentry, assists me in fixing anything, does errands, guards the house when we all go shopping or out of town trips, feeds the dog, etc. He eats a lot, but that's ok... He is also my drinking partner...sometimes... and we talk... a lot...
[/quote]
I understand jobs are hard to find. But when he sits on his ass and does not even get out of the house to try.
he has slowly takeing charge and picking up after him self but with him not working he thinks mom and step dad should pay for his chew and gas and phone bill and clothes or what ever he needs its tought time for us to. I feel he is working around here to keep a roof over his head not for him to be are slave and in return buy him his things he needs.
He is a strong man I have seen it he is smart he know how to do a lot of stuff. But when the word work comes up its like a light switch just turned on and he throws his fits. I ask him if I can go with you to sit in the car while he gets apps and he says no. I beleave he just gos out for drives and says he is looking for work and all he is doing is wasteing time and gas.
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...runnn.....
;D
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Drop him of in front of the Marine recruiting office. Tell him to walk in or walk home with a solid future plan in hand and execute it.
Love this idea! 2 thumbs up.
How about maybe something the wife can get behind, hand him a list of housewrok that needs to get done every day, when you leave for work take the cable box with you or lock it in a box.
The way I see it your home should be spotless from basement to attic, if he doesn't ask for new cleaning supplies in a week you know he's not doing it right. You and the Mrs. should not have to lift a finger to clean house or cook dinner, hell he should even be doing breakfast as there is knowone telling him how long of a nap he can take during the day.
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If somebody pays my gas, food, shelter, etc. without me working for it ...hmmm... I surely will like it... and will not work a day anymore...yes!!! I'm in control.... I'm the man!....
what's next?....
my point is.... do somethin' Blue....
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my point is.... do somethin' Blue....
..yeah RUN!!!
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my point is.... do somethin' Blue....
..yeah RUN!!!
Yes... if it will change things for the better....
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Let him read this thread, tell him to pick his poison, he won't so you will have to. Any movement from the wife on taking care of this problem?
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Let him read this thread, tell him to pick his poison, he won't so you will have to. Any movement from the wife on taking care of this problem?
no to reading the thread. this is my space some place I can go and keep my mind at peace. I have come to relize me and the wife well never see eye to eye with him. He says he has a job starting tomarrow But I beleave its just another of his lies and story telling. If he makes me eat my words thats a good thing. I have talked to both my kids and im sure my son well let me stay with him. thinking about it. it might happen after xmas has past.
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Good luck Blue... we will support you what ever your decision is.... I'm sure it will be for the best...
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..itsa good thing that you've somewhere to go, blue....
..i'm just sayin...been going on for ever..
..what can you really do to change,allofthe other ppl...
...nothing....
..make blue happy....
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Thanks everyone for the support.
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Well Blue you always have us to toss around a few ideas and thoughts with. I do hope things work out and he gets the messege, knowone ever wants to see a family break up.
Best of luck to you and may you have a Merry Christmas despite the ongoing issue.
David (08)
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Yeah Merry Xmas Blue, just try enjoy the holiday and see what the new year brings. He might get that job.
If it was me and it doesnt improve by then i'd tell the wife if she wont do something to help change him then im outta here. If he dont work he wont move out and you'll be stuck in the same situation as now in another 5-10 years if she wont help you force him to change.
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Why don't you and the old lady give nudism a try at home. Nothing will get a kid to leave the house faster than the site of his dad walking around with One-eyed Charlie and the Stink Twins flapping around the house.
(http://media.picfor.me/001E05E0/Santa-shakes-his-bare-butt---Ho-Ho-Ho-.gif-funny--nude--HUMOR--butt--ass--gif--naked--christmas--santa--xmas--Santa-Clause--Saint-Nicholas--comments--Winter/Weihnachten--cartoons--fun--http://www.picfor.me/en/saveimg/402217--piggle--only-one--Flowers-Wish_large.jpg)
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Lol thats how he walks around............And his a big kid with alot of belly over the belt if ya know what I mean.I see to much full moon now. And crack....
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...you keep calling him a kid...
..he aint that, bro...
..hell, i left the nest at 16...
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;D
OOoooohhhhh, the youngin walks around with his shiat hangin out.............I would keep my rubberband shooter handy.......anything hangin low is fair game. I used a damp towel on a bare azz once. The rule in this house is keep it covered, your grandma is watching from Heaven. ;)
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anything hangin low is fair game
..i gotta remember that....
8)
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...you keep calling him a kid...
..he aint that, bro...
..hell, i left the nest at 16...
I call him a kid but I should be calling him a child thats the way he acts. he is adult thats why its grow up time.he is 20 years old.I left my nest at 15 and had 3 jobs and stell finished school on my own. I under stand times had chaged.
but if you dont look for work its not going to find you.
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if you dont look for work its not going to find you.
+1
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;D
OOoooohhhhh, the youngin walks around with his shiat hangin out.............I would keep my rubberband shooter handy.......anything hangin low is fair game. I used a damp towel on a bare azz once. The rule in this house is keep it covered, your grandma is watching from Heaven. ;)
O ya and his girl friend to and shes nothing to look at. I realy hate seeing full moon in the day light. I do have a sling shot.
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Buy some Cactus plants and leave them around the house at ball height.